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Questions Worth Asking

Before the Ring

From the book by William L. Coleman

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If you were planning a two-week trip through the Rocky Mountains, you would be asking hundreds of questions. What's the best way to get there? What will the weather be like? What clothes should I take? How much will it cost? Where will I stay? How many places will I have time to visit along the way?

 

When you are contemplating a trip that is to last the rest of your life, how foolish not to ask just as many or more questions before starting out.

 

We all need a checklist of values and character traits that we consider important when we're considering a marriage partner.

 

The considerations transcend marriage, for the elements of relationships extend to all associations.

Among the traits that are essential elements of love are:

 

• Patience;

• Kindness;

• Absence of pride;

• Absence of boasting;

• Absence of anger;

• Trust;

• Hope;

• Perserverence.

 

Other things may be of importance to you or not. You need to decide what answers to questions are right for you. To ignore thinking about values is to make no decision at all.

 

Genuine love is characterized by patience. If love is real, it has time to slow down and examine itself. Love takes time to ask what is best for each person involved, not just today, but in the future as well. If you are in too much of a hurry what you feel is probably another four-letter word that begins with L. Lust. And a relationship fueled by lust will last about as long a piece of dynamite with a lit fuse.

 

One of the first things to as is there a lack of patience as evidenced by:

 

• One pushes to do things the other doesn't want to do;

• One is accelerating your physical relationship faster than the other is comfortable with;

• One demands the other to make decisions immediately;

• One establishes the timetable and the other must follow;

• One is under pressure a great deal of the time;

• One of you wants the relationship to be "more spontaneous";

• One of you is expected to be available whenever the other calls.

 

Here's another way to look at the question of patience:

 

• Does the other remain unperturbed when you want to spend the evening alone or with other friends?

• Does the other ever tell you to take your time making up your mind?

• Does the other say, "We won't do anything about this until you are ready"?

• Is the other willing to delay marriage until you receive the approval of family?

• Does the other usually give you ample warning before you go someplace together?

 

To establish a relationship that will improve over time it must have a solid foundation from the beginning. A patient person encourages others to grow.

 

More questions to ask:

 

• Do you really know this person--or are they hide who they are? Do they pretend?

• Is the person insecure to the point of being excessively jealous and over-protective?

• Does the person want to "own" you selfishly?

• Are you considered an equal?

• Can you deeply trust this person?

• Are your goals mutually compatible?

• Is the other's ambition so powerful it blinds them to the more important priorities of life?

 

Concerning ambition, ask the following questions:

 

1. Is money everything?

2. Is education everything?

3. Is service everything?

 

There are questions to ask about forgiveness:

1. Do they nurse a grudge?

2. Do they bear a grudge?

3. Do they harbor anger?

4. Do they grumble?

5. Do they use anger as POWER?

 

No relationship can remain healthy if it is based on Power. There is no love in force.

 

Remember that marriage isn't there to make YOU happy. People marry to share their happiness and lives with another.

Look for signs of maturity:

 

• Mature people do not try to hurt their partners.

• They do not use others for their own personal satisfaction.

• They do not behave in ways that put others in danger.

• They do not lie.

• They do not ignore other's needs.

• They do not put their needs above others.

 

Mature people do:

 

• try to protect others from pain;

• accept others as partners;

• look for ways to be helpful;

• call and keep in touch when they are away;

• express warm feelings;

• practice unselfishness;

• value truth;

• protect their loved ones.

 

All of us have moments of pure evil. We say things we wish we had swallowed. We do things that are cheap and inconsiderate.

 

But Mature people do not live that way. They know the difference between right and wrong and pursue the right.

 

Mature people show wisdom. You have to be fair, caring, even-handed, able to see the whole picture, self-controlled, and considerate.

 

Mature people endure. All of us cut our losses and pull out sometimes. That doesn't make us unfit. But if we develop a pattern of pulling out, there's trouble lurking.

 

Concerning money: Beware of money lovers; beware of debt; beware of dishonesty; look for generosity toward others in balance.

 

Beware of ANGER!!!

 

Is the other person self-centered?

 

Are you able to laugh together, have joy, share happiness.

 

Is there privacy, time to think, some times of solitude?

 

Are you sure the other person is faithful and committed?

 

What are your words worth?

 

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Just a summary

 

You need the book, but this should get you started.

Remember the book is "Questions worth asking Before the Ring" By William L. Coleman and published by Discovery House in Grand Rapids, Michigan, Copyright 1998.

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Last updated: Saturday May 12, 2007